Porn does one of 2 things in a relationship: it sits idly by, not creating a stir or a problem, or it dulls a man’s perception of reality, compelling him to think either A) he’s a porn star, himself or B) his chick is. The problem is that, dudes dig porn, so in essence, it’s up to us, the men, how much of a dust it does or doesn’t kick up in our personal lives. It’s kind of like the same effect that R&B songs have on females, assuming they’re into that sort of music. R&B, much like porn, creates a false sense of hope, in that all men don’t go unselfishly hard in the sack, nor do the majority of them have any interest in paying your bills. (Where I’m from, a man giving you money–in any form or fashion–is a trick, & the recipient is the prostitute, but I guess that’s neither here nor there these days.)
Now, by the law of averages, a man watches as much porn as a lady listens to R&B. So, at least theoretically, both of them have some convoluted, misconstrued ideals of what they want & what they need, depending on their level of brainwash. Meaning, if you meet a chick who stood by R. Kelly, or Chris Brown, at the height of their respective crisis’, you can probably call her a bitch in casual conversation, & may even get away with a few slaps or peeing in the bed before she says anything to you about it. The problem with that, though, is would you want her as the mother of your (unwanted-ish) child? I doubt it, seriously. & ladies, same goes for any guy who watches porn like ESPN, almost. Sure, he may be able to take you in the latest of modernized Karma Sutra techniques, but if a dude watches mad porn, he’s thinking about sex, often. In fact, you’d better have a gay sister, & a bitter, spinster mom, otherwise, he’s going to try & bone both of them (& possibly succeed–depending on how much R&B they listen to). Plenty of pornos start off with that mother/sister theme. Just saying.
Allowing either R&B, or porn, to be the measuring stick of your simplest pleasures, carnal or otherwise, is a recipe for disappointment, really though. Life is no more like a love song than it is a porno. & by that, I mean buttholes are gross up-close & in real-life, & a man will tell you anything to get ‘tang. Even that he loves you, which he may, but only until the beginning of the refractary period. After that, it’s all on nature & pheromone dispersement, so to speak.
Point is, people are fake enough already (& getting faker, no matter the cost), without us forecasting illusions. Such a move is comparable to losing a cereal-pissing-in contest on purpose, everyday, if you smell my cologne. Don’t get me wrong; the right amounts of porn & R&B are romantic & spicy, in that order, no homo, but like all things, moderation is key.
Is Lil Kim positioning herself to be the matriarch of “old lady rap?” It’s an honest question, because last year Raekwon came (back) out on a beef with Joe Budden, under circumstances very familiar to this (rookie making too much noise). I’m not implying it was a strategy per se, but that’s an impeccable coincidence that yielded very positive results. I wouldn’t put it past Kim to do something similar. Why not? If after all these years, the soft porn hasn’t worked, I applaud her for switching gears. Obviously, her handlers weren’t smart enough to have ridden that DWTS wave into other Hollywood jobs. I mean, she is Lil Kim, after all. There’s always a show looking for a loudmouth Black chick. Bonus for bodacious boobies. But instead, we find her dumpster diving, engaging in conflict with rappers young enough to be her children. Literally. If Jay-Z is 40, Dr. Dre is like 45, I know Kim is pushing upwards of 36. & I know 30-year-olds with teenage children. Just saying.
(Not so) coincidentally, Rah Digga is returning to the rap game, after a 10 year hiatus from almost being famous (almost only counts in ‘Horse Shoes,’ & hand grenades). For those who aren’t familiar, she’s a watered-down prototype version of Remy Ma, but not in a bad way. She rode with Busta Rhymes, until she figured out that he doesn’t care about his artists. Like Ice Cube. Now, she’s making her return, & honestly, Kim vs Digga “beef” would be far more interesting than Kim chastising Cassie’s love muffin, with the slight chance that she may get her ass(pads) handed to her by a girl who pretends to be a plastic doll of a White girl. But alas, that would require Kim to out-rap Digga. No dice. Not even if she taught her nipples to do the ad-libs.
See, I was a fan of Kim, back when she was an attainable nickel piece, the type of chick who you may or may not be able to bone on the first night, depending on how much weed she blazed. Now, I’m not sure what’s even going on with her. & if she doesn’t care about how she looks in the unnecessary cat fight, why should I? She could easily dead Nicki by going so hard on the music that the people would have no choice but to declare her the real Queen Bee. & let the records show that Rapper Rick Ross was dragged through the mud, on a professional, as well as personal level by 50 Cent. In a way that made me feel sorry for him, something I usually refuse to do for people doing better than me. His retaliation was simple: good music. In that instance, it was the music that swayed public opinion. & that’s the only opinion that counts.
I’ll give Kim this much credit, though; when we should be talking about how Fabolous graduated from lifting whips to stacking bodies, were not only participating in her spinster rap campaign (self included), but adding fuel to the fire with every virtual “Oww…” & “Ahh…” If MC Lyte came out & went after–never mind. Lyte’s too classy for such mundane rabble rousing. Smell my cologne?
For Kim’s sake, I hope that she takes full advantage of this current uproar. Assuming she’s not signed to Roc Nation strictly for tax write-off purposes, this is the make-or-break moment of her rap career. If she wins, she’ll forever have set a precedent that will thrive well into the future, where our daughters & their daughters will be free to sing praises of hard-earned carpet burns & baby swallowing techniques. Then Kim would be like the Susan B. Anthony of “prostitute rap” (© Tony Grands). Speaking of which, fuck rap. She’s been in the music business for long enough to be making corporate moves & White money, rather than getting her own hands dirty, so to speak. Not for nothing, but I’m more suspicious of a celebrity without weed carriers than I am of those with too many.
If Nicki Minaj is smart, she’ll recognize all of Kim’s surgeries & nervous breakdowns as the signs of weakness they are. Plus, she obviously has incredibly low self-esteem to boot. I don’t doubt that she was one of those kids who joined in the teasing when the others made fun of her. Bagging on her own shoes & shit. Fuck all that, though. Nicki needs to go “balls to the wall,” or get steamrolled (which would be awesome, actually) & hope that Lil Wayne gets her pregnant sooner than later.
I’ve documented Kat Stacks’ epic journey to be loved. I felt sorry for her for a minute, but I have relatives that are drug addicts. After awhile, you just stop having pity for people who don’t have a shameful bone in their body. My time would be better spent trying to figure out ways to make sure my daughter doesn’t end up on a stripper pole, herself. That stripper pole is like a gateway drug. Stay on that shit too long, & you’ll eventually need something way stronger. Honestly, I don’t even know if Kat was a stripper, but kudos to her for still staying on the arduous road to prostitution, moral compass be damned (& obviously broken). Amber Rose was a stripper. No shots, just saying. Not for nothing, but I wouldn’t hit Kat with a baseball bat, much less my bodily fluid bridge. Remember that one chick, back in the day, whose coochie was so loose, it had become something of an urban legend? In other cities? There was always that dude (or dudes) who, for whatever reason, didn’t mind the vaginal mileage, & wasn’t concerned with receiving any type of gift that keeps on giving. When we “laughed” at or teased him, his retort was “But I’m gettin’ mines!” or something to that effect. I wouldn’t be surprised if Magic Johnson said that to Isiah Thomas 2 or 3(00) times, back when they were friends.
I don’t even think Kat Stacks is a real person. I think she’s a germ warfare carrier, designed by “The Man” to infect as many “influential” Black men as possible, kind of like ‘Species‘ x the Tuskegee experiment. Word on the street is that Stacks’ latest victim is Louisiana rapster douchebag Chopper. If your not familiar with Chopper, A) he’s was the Lil Wayne stunt double from Puffy’s ‘Makin’ The Band’ show, & B) you’re missing out on possibly the most comedic personality in rap music since Biz Markie.
Word on the street, also, is that Kat & Chopper have made a sex tape. Oy vey. The only thing that could make this situation worse is if she got pregnant by Chopper during the taping. People would look at that video, in hindsight, as historic failure in the making. The spawn of that genetic train wreck would undoubtedly be destined for short buses & handicapped parking placards. At least Chopper Suit would have someone to play with, though.
Between the 2 of them, I don’t see enough actual talent to win ‘Star Search,’ much less become successful for what(ever the hell it is) they do. I can just imagine the nosebleed one would suffer having a conversation with them simultaneously. I wonder do they make translators for that type of ebonicism? See, it’s not the sex tape I have a problem with. No “star” sextape can ever make me more uncomfortable than Kim Kardashian & Ray J.’s did. As much as I kept trying to look at her ass, all I saw was Ray, making goo-goo eyes at me. I don’t recommend watching it to anyone. & that’s the same fear I’d have with Stacks & Chopper humping for the camera. Bad enough that her vocal chords are like sonic daggers (no Nicki Minaj), but I don’t want to see Chopper sans clothing. I don’t even want to see the nigga fully dressed. God forbid he’s shirtless, sweaty, & out of breath, doing his best to pretend his dogging ‘tang that’s probably wider than all out doors. Word to Smokey.
I’m not sure what’s sadder: the fact that she’s more famous than him, after a decade of exceptionally mediocre attempts at rapperdom, or that, after all she’s been exposed for doing, he still had sex with her. I can imagine they’re both the “it don’t feel right wit’ no condom” types, too.
Mark my words; there’s something real sinister about this chick. Just wait & see.