Ladies, don’t waste your time worrying if another woman will show up & a snatch your dude. Hell, there’s a pretty good chance that you’ve soured him to women at this point, with your shrill nagging & your important date-reminding & your usage of the word “no.” In fact, best believe that the world’s most famous philanderer didn’t get extra-Hugh Hefner with all those chicks because he needed more women. If so, he’s bat shit insane, or gayer than Nathan Lane‘s massage therapist & trying real, real hard to hide it. (Good job, juice. You fooled me!)
^tiger, before the stripe change…
Contrary to popular belief, man needs companionship, & according to God’s word, woman is it. Equally as important is man’s desire, nay, need to keep his pipeline clean. It’s imperative to a properly functioning machine not to have clogged pipes. Ask your car. What happens, though, is that much like a car, man is rarely versed in self maintanence. Therefore, he hires “mechanics” to help his machine operate. But, thanks to man’s insatiable need to complicate all things, that’s usually no good, because mechanics are jealous & possesive & will
cut a nigga deep react irrationally if hurt. But I digress.
Ladies, the solution to any of your worrying is literally right in front of you. Or next to you or whatever, depending on where your dude is right now. Discuss pipeline maintainence with him, & your worrying should decrease, one way or another. At that point, if done right, he’ll be the only person he can steal away from you, if you smell my cologne. It might be slightly narcissistic, but at least he can’t catch hand AIDS or have paper towel babies behind your back. (Maybe ON your back, if you’re into that sort of thing, but not BEHIND it.) If only to fulfill my daily quota of trying to help a person a day, allow me to DISPEL 5 MYTHS about keeping the pipeline clean:
Myth #5 We Have Control
-If there’s 1 thing a man knows, aside from everything else in the world, it’s that you must keep the pipeline clean for maximun performance. Must. It’s animal instinct. We have no control. It’s just a matter of going to the “garage,” or breaking out the tools at home. In most instances, it makes no difference to us. That’s a decision women help us make, so to speak. (& just for clarification, cleaning the pipeline isn’t sex per se. It’s cleaning the pipeline.)
Myth #4 It’s Taboo
-Nah. Men talk about that type of thing pretty regulary, albeit in a ’roundabout, un-gay guys way. While a bunch of dudes can sit around all day & crack jokes about shooting a load, or something to that effect, the line is drawn at specifics. So, as a general rule of thumb, when discussing anything sexual with other like-minded fellows, men implore derogatory terms & curse words. It camouflages the emotional vulnerability of the moment. Yes hetero.
Myth #3 “It must hurt!”
-2 words. My, penis. Ergo, I’m not going to purposely hurt the most invaluable part of myself, versus ‘tang, which is designed specifically to be test drove hard, like a rental car & can strecth to the size of a fist.
Myth #2 Seems Lonely
-There’s nothing lonely about not having to talk, look at people, or kill spiders. With intimacy comes communication. Word to Tim “The Toolman” Taylor, I don’t need all those extra words interfering with my moment. Men don’t mind being alone, that’s why there are so many one player video games. &, on the off chance we want a little communication at the time, we can either a) unmute the porno, or b) Nah, there’s just a).
Myth #1 It Means You’re Secretly Gay
-Not one bit. Monkey’s have been getting spanked for years. Not to get all biblical on a dreary tuesday afternoon, but it’s even mentioned in the Old Testament (don’t ask me where). Not that they couldn’t have been orgifying© back then, but the practice of pipeline maintainence is as old as the oldest profession, if that means anything to you. One might even say that, somehow, the 2 go hand in hand. No pun intended. [Sidenote: If dads hollered at their sons about the benefits of working on their pipeline, as adamently as they do about the benefits of working on their cars, the oldest profession & the newest form of robbery might both disappear. Then who knows what "good" might rain down on the community. So much for dreaming, though.]
Ladies, a great way to start the conversation would be to let said dude read this. Really though; do what it takes, because the pipeline will be cleaned, regardless. The balls are in your court. Pun absolutely intended, that time.