Words by Tony Grands
Pornographic entertainment is clearly all the rage these days. It’s a total contrast to a couple of decades ago, when porn was only available via videotape or paper, behind some liquor store’s counter on a stand slightly higher than a child’s field of vision. Continue reading
This touchy-feely T.S.A. situation is becoming somewhat comical. “Comical” being a few notches beyond merely entertaining. For example, it was entertaining to see some jerkwater douche nozzle defend his junk like a living & breathing jock strap. It was also entertaining to see people calling press conferences & special meetings to publicly, & aggressively debate matters where, for the most part, both parties provide valid points. Especially since, at day’s end, it’s all about concern for the safety of our beloved nation. That said, when the almighty United States of America’s Homeland Security becomes such an event that the entire world takes notice, that’s Lolco’s Chicken & Roffles, all day. [Sidenote: Not that I laugh at T.S.A. horror stories, it's just that in general, laughter is the best medicine or whatever.]
In a nutshell, the T.S.A. has decided to all but cavity search airline passengers in attempts to keep the homeland secure. John Q. Public is arms-up in protest, claiming that people are being violated. Notice, it’s not the resolve that’s the problem, but the process en route. For the record, I’m extremely secure in my manhood, so I’m not too bothered by an extremely brief & coincidental brush-up in the name of not being the reason Tom Bradley International gets a face lift. However, everyone’s patriotism isn’t so cavalier.
The solution to the problem is sexual discrimination. A simple pairing of the opposite sexes will quell at least 40% of the unnecessary complaining, I guarantee. A man doesn’t want a man touching him, period. Not for nothing, but plenty of times I’ve kissed a close homeboy on the cheek just to see him act like a bitch. Now, imagine if some rubber-gloved stranger was fiddling around near your junk? To a dude, that type of shit has nothing to do with “The War on Terror.” If nothing else, the screener may notice how much smaller the passengers peen is, & that’s like a shotgun blast to a man’s ego. If it was a woman doing the frisking, though, honestly, said guy wouldn’t care about the size of his cargo, as long as she brushed up against it. He may even strike up a convo to expand their quality time as long as he can, if he’s smart & heterosexual.
To take my theory a step further, allow me to plainly state the nice cleavage will distract a man from most things, no matter how unpleasant, & even other cleavage. I’m suprised dental assistants don’t dress like whores as a requirement. The right boobs for the job would be even more of an asset if the passenger is a threat. Really though, if a guy has a bomb attached to him for in-flight delivery, chances are an American woman has never rubbed his thigh like she has to, as a part of her searching duties. Possible situation averted, as long as he doesn’t give her a pearl necklace as a parting gift.
The same theory appies to women, but with such an obvious influx of lady gays nowadays, I’m not sure if switching out the sex of the handsy screener would make much of a difference. In those instances, the decision would probably best be left to a supervisor with a camera phone.
Just this small tweak would surely make the situation(s) easier to deal with, for all parties involved. The only possible snafu I can foresee is a rise in sexual crimes in & around the airport, for obvious reasons, but that’s why airport security gets paid the big bucks. & even then, as long as the situations don’t become too much like random episodes of Law & Order: SVU, it still shouldn’t be much of a problem.
Especially not for me, because I don’t fly much.
Ladies, don’t waste your time worrying if another woman will show up & a snatch your dude. Hell, there’s a pretty good chance that you’ve soured him to women at this point, with your shrill nagging & your important date-reminding & your usage of the word “no.” In fact, best believe that the world’s most famous philanderer didn’t get extra-Hugh Hefner with all those chicks because he needed more women. If so, he’s bat shit insane, or gayer than Nathan Lane‘s massage therapist & trying real, real hard to hide it. (Good job, juice. You fooled me!)
^tiger, before the stripe change…
Contrary to popular belief, man needs companionship, & according to God’s word, woman is it. Equally as important is man’s desire, nay, need to keep his pipeline clean. It’s imperative to a properly functioning machine not to have clogged pipes. Ask your car. What happens, though, is that much like a car, man is rarely versed in self maintanence. Therefore, he hires “mechanics” to help his machine operate. But, thanks to man’s insatiable need to complicate all things, that’s usually no good, because mechanics are jealous & possesive & will cut a nigga deep react irrationally if hurt. But I digress.
^headlights #ftw…
Ladies, the solution to any of your worrying is literally right in front of you. Or next to you or whatever, depending on where your dude is right now. Discuss pipeline maintainence with him, & your worrying should decrease, one way or another. At that point, if done right, he’ll be the only person he can steal away from you, if you smell my cologne. It might be slightly narcissistic, but at least he can’t catch hand AIDS or have paper towel babies behind your back. (Maybe ON your back, if you’re into that sort of thing, but not BEHIND it.) If only to fulfill my daily quota of trying to help a person a day, allow me to DISPEL 5 MYTHS about keeping the pipeline clean:
Myth #5 We Have Control
-If there’s 1 thing a man knows, aside from everything else in the world, it’s that you must keep the pipeline clean for maximun performance. Must. It’s animal instinct. We have no control. It’s just a matter of going to the “garage,” or breaking out the tools at home. In most instances, it makes no difference to us. That’s a decision women help us make, so to speak. (& just for clarification, cleaning the pipeline isn’t sex per se. It’s cleaning the pipeline.)
Myth #4 It’s Taboo
-Nah. Men talk about that type of thing pretty regulary, albeit in a ’roundabout, un-gay guys way. While a bunch of dudes can sit around all day & crack jokes about shooting a load, or something to that effect, the line is drawn at specifics. So, as a general rule of thumb, when discussing anything sexual with other like-minded fellows, men implore derogatory terms & curse words. It camouflages the emotional vulnerability of the moment. Yes hetero.
Myth #3 “It must hurt!”
-2 words. My, penis. Ergo, I’m not going to purposely hurt the most invaluable part of myself, versus ‘tang, which is designed specifically to be test drove hard, like a rental car & can strecth to the size of a fist.
Myth #2 Seems Lonely
-There’s nothing lonely about not having to talk, look at people, or kill spiders. With intimacy comes communication. Word to Tim “The Toolman” Taylor, I don’t need all those extra words interfering with my moment. Men don’t mind being alone, that’s why there are so many one player video games. &, on the off chance we want a little communication at the time, we can either a) unmute the porno, or b) Nah, there’s just a).
Myth #1 It Means You’re Secretly Gay
-Not one bit. Monkey’s have been getting spanked for years. Not to get all biblical on a dreary tuesday afternoon, but it’s even mentioned in the Old Testament (don’t ask me where). Not that they couldn’t have been orgifying© back then, but the practice of pipeline maintainence is as old as the oldest profession, if that means anything to you. One might even say that, somehow, the 2 go hand in hand. No pun intended. [Sidenote: If dads hollered at their sons about the benefits of working on their pipeline, as adamently as they do about the benefits of working on their cars, the oldest profession & the newest form of robbery might both disappear. Then who knows what "good" might rain down on the community. So much for dreaming, though.]
Ladies, a great way to start the conversation would be to let said dude read this. Really though; do what it takes, because the pipeline will be cleaned, regardless. The balls are in your court. Pun absolutely intended, that time.
Not that it matters, but I purposely don’t create posts based on the trends I see in the site’s stats. The closest I get to that is my infamous color commentary on silly guerilla’s niggamania, in Twitter-powered realtime. Following trends is tantamount to an emptyheaded disc Jockey spinning only what “everybody” wants to hear, simply because that way is the safest. No dice. That’s the polar opposite of what this Net Hop© thing is all about, right? Word to Radio Raheem’s love/hate jewelry, too many robots are why niggas turned off that bullshit in the first place. Regardless, I like to think I keep you guys coming back here because of what I offer the game, as opposed to what the game offers me.
That said, I noticed a chick I featured at the beginning of the month, Hitomi Tanaka, has a lot of referrals here. Literally, LOTS. Yes hetero & the whole 9, but I’d never heard of her until then. I’ve probably seen parts of her, but the name wasn’t familiar. To which I’ll admit that I’m super-slipping in my overseas porn viewage (does Eva Angelina or Mercedes Ashley count as “overseas?”), but that’s mainly because if I’m LOOKING for porn, specifics are of little to no importance. Clearly, at that moment, there are bigger issues at hand. No pun intended.
So, without further ado, because 300+ hits to 1 broad in less than 1 month isn’t a coincidence, I present to you again the surprisingly popular Hitomi Tanaka.
#thankmelater #imserious
