We’ve all heard the cliche: “the quickest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”I’d imagine the quickest way is probably through the back, but that depends on the type of weapon you’re using.

But seriously, this old adage implies that if you feed a man the way he wants to eat, his heart will be yours to keep. Depending on what you cook, you may cause his heart to stop functioning altogether, but we’ll save that for another day. Catching a man is definitely an art form, & if you’re a guy who doesn’t agree, best believe there’s a gold digger in your Rolodex contacts list RIGHT NOW with an infrared scope sight resting upon your genitals.

In honor of “Cuffing Season” (or a lack of one) & for those chicks whose best attempts at being cuffed this semester got them this far, RAWIFDP is lobbing an extra five ways to a man’s heart. See, with the great climate change event of 2012, now, there’s only two seasons: winter & summer. That makes coupling up with a boo-thang that much more important.

5. Through The XBox/Playstation
Ladies, we love video games. In some severe instances, we love video games more than you, more than our jobs, maybe even more than our kids, especially when we’re online. Do yourselves a favor & pick up the instruction manual. Grab a (joy)stick. Never forget that anything that keeps your dude home (outside of drug & alcohol abuse) is an ally, not an enemy.

4. Through Ma Dukes
Cats love their moms. As they should. We might not have the one we want, but she’s damn sure the one that God gave us. Moms generally love their kids with a certain ferocity, especially if it’s been them against the world from day one. This is usually the case more often than not. Moms are the first line of defense, & if you can get the co-captain to co-sign your offense, the star player will definitely be more open to touch backs & unnecessary roughness. Eh, it sounded better when I thought it. The point is that he’ll take you more seriously if/when his main cheerleader endorses you.

3. Through The Sports We Live Through Vicariously
Every man has a sport. Mine is Basketball. Quick story: When I first joined Twitter, I made the mistake of tweeting that I don’t watch Football & got called everything from “faggot!” to terrorist. Moral of the story is that somebody will possibly kill you if you don’t have someone to root for. But that’s neither here nor there.

Just like with the Xbox/PS, a little knowledge goes a long way. It would behoove a woman to watch a few games, learn a few names, & if nothing else, just enjoy the excitement of the sport. Cheer for the team he cheers for. You could even use some of the people who are married to the chicks on Basketball Wives. If you pretend you like the squad long enough, you’ll probably begin to really like them. The rest, after that, is up to you.

2. Through The Front Door
This is an allegory. The front door represents the direct, traditional, formal way one generally approaches you(r house). You don’t expect any funny business or unnecessary surprises. You don’t look for deceit or betrayal. In laymen’s, you expect that person to keep it as real as possible, because only a fool purposely chooses to be lied to. Be real with yourself (& I’m not talking weaves & fake contacts), & ultimately, you’ll be real with everyone else around you. Real cats like that type of shit.

1. Fellatio
No disrespect intended. Better you find out here than out on the streets, walking home from God knows where for adhering to your morals after a nice dinner at a fancy restaraunt. Welcome to 2012, ladies.

Words by Tony Grands
@TheTonyGrands