This is written under the questionable impression that people still look for love these days. & by love, I don’t mean finding accidental pregnancy & settling for a life of misery, unwanted ‘tang, & legal hassle. I mean love like when people form some type of unspoken, unseen, invisible bond between 1 another & generating a relationship based on that. It can be some pretty awesome shit to experience, word to nothing in particular.

Some are just genuinely not interested in finding one partner for their team, though, & there’s nothing wrong with that. But not too many sports are fun all alone; even golfers have a caddy. & the sports where there are way too many players in motion at one time take a lot of energy to follow. My advice is, & has been for some time, it’s easier to find a partner than it is to keep accepting applications & interviewing potential spot-fillers. Eventually, that game of “Tag” gets old. Or, at least it should, theoretically speaking.

(Editor’s note: for the record, I’m not necessarily advocating marriage, just the ideals of partnership & whatnot.)

If you are “out there,” looking for something to cuff & impregnate by the winter, here are 5 places that are not appropriate for a first date (for hip hoppers). Good luck, fam.

5. The Barbershop
On paper, it makes total sense to take a hot girl you just met to the barbershop with you. It A) shows the chicken you have at least enough guacamolé to afford the taco (see what I did there?), & B) let’s you floss just enough to show the other cats what you’re capable of. However, in real life, the barbershop is perhaps one of the thirstier places one can take a chick. Unless she’s real ugly, or he doesn’t mind sharing, that is. Barbershops are dangerous, testosterone-filled dungeons where anything feminine is forbidden, like The He-Man Women Hater’s Club. Not is it until 1 passes the window or walks inside do we pay attention. At that point, the smell of fresh meat wafts through the air, so to speak. (Editor’s note: if a gay dude works there, or if there’s a booth to get one’s mani/pedi, it’s not a barbershop. That’s a salon.)

4. Anywhere overly romantic
If you’ve deemed this chick important enough to go out into the real world with, then to hell with a romantic dinner &/or a saucy movie. Go somewhere that encourages human interaction & get to know her. You’ll thank me later.

3. Any Swapmeet, USA
Girls don’t want to go with you to buy a new white tee shirt or go earring shopping prior to the evening’s activities. Especially if you have to venture through the heart of a small gang war to do so. Swapmeet parking lots are like a weekend-only public park to the neighborhood bad guys, & the inside is like their break room. Take a chick there & there’s a chance she gets beat up, you get shot, both things happen, or worse; one of you gets another tattoo. Swapmeets, no matter the zip code, can be hostile environments, & there may come a point when you have to decide whether to be a hero, or to leave that broad escape. If you’re not prepared to make that decision & stand by it, stay away from the swapmeet during a “date.”

2. The Homie’s House
Everyone has been to “the homie’s house,” with or without a chick. If you can’t rightfully isolate some instances where you have been to the homie’s house, then it may be your house, & I’m pretty sure cats owe you something on the rent or the utility bills. But, I digress. The homie’s house is first cousin to the barbershop, with the main difference being that it’s a lot more up close & personal. The homie’s house is always full of the other dudes with nothing to do. There’s never a place to sit at the homie’s house, or free food. & for what it’s worth, the homie’s house is just an updated tree-top clubhouse where a bunch of grown ups go to make believe they are not grown ups. Like the barbershop, woman are treated like food, so if you bring something young & tender, don’t be surprised if someone tries to take a bite. Or tries to lick the crumbs.

1. An R&B concert
R&B is the type of music that helps make babies & tears up happy homes, simultaneously. On some levels, R&B is far more detrimental than rap, but that’s for another day. A lot of today’s R&B songs create false hopes & fantasy worlds, misleading the love-lurched female into thinking her knight in shining armor & designer clothing is headed to her rescue. Technically this isn’t a bad thing, but rocking out to Beyoncé singing about how much she doesn’t need a man isn’t a good look on a first date. The flipside of that coin is an artist like Terius Gray, who’ll have ladies to believe all guys have the intention of turning a booty call into a love-making marathon. No dice. R&B songs have the same effects on women that porn has on men. & once the fantasy is the main source of concentration, reality is a suck ass substitute.

(Editor’s note: if this doesn’t help you, then I’ve also written a couple of posts on masturbation, & I suggest you find & use them.)