5. The Novice
This guy is just really getting familiar with Hip Hop’s wide range of artists, musical stylings, & content. He came across a Raekwon song or saw a Slaughterhouse video on WorldStarHipHop.com one day, & has been becoming more & more intimate with Hip Hop & rap music. He loves when a fellow Head comes around to preach what he practices. He’s the guy you can’t talk in-depth about Jay-Z with because your “Hawaiian Sophie” references are like fresh rainwater to Wesley Snipes’ frade.
☐ How To Handle: Talk about what/who is “hot” right now, not anyone’s heyday. He’ll probably know all about it, & that way, he won’t bore you into a murderous rampage. Save your Hip Hop trivia for your 30 year old friends.
4. The Professor
This guy clearly graduated from whatever institute of the metaphysical that KRS-1 taught at. He has upper echelon insight on every rap beef, every label move, all the projected sales of every new album, so on & so forth. This guy hits the websites & drops knowledge, whether you like it or not. Dare you question his encyclopediatic mind, & prepare to be scolded & held after class.
☐ How To Handle: Avoid topics such as the Illuminati, & have your facts straight if you choose to engage in conversation.
3. The White Guy
The White guy always seems to know about all the music & artists that you had no idea existed. He doesn’t act like he’s trying to fit in or appear unnecessarily “urbanized,” he’s just a White guy who loves Hip Hop. & apparently, he takes it way more seriously than you do. You probably work with him, went to college with him, or can’t even remember how you 2 hooked up. Not only is his Hip Hop knowledge & library more extensive than yours, but also, he smokes superweed. #WinningLikePacman
(Editor’s note: I’ve never met a White person that smoked “regular” weed. Go figure…)
☐ How To Handle: Just chill. Enjoy the privileges that go along with having White friends who love Hip Hop, & nothing to do but get high & analyze it. & not for nothing, but if the opportunity arises, bone his sister (because one day, all you’ll have are memories).
2. The Gangster
This guy only listens to rap songs that remind him how pissed off he forgot he was (M.O.P., 3-6 Mafia, C-
MurderMiller, etc). He prefers music that intentionally amps you up to fight/stab/shoot something, & usually guzzles malt liquors & inhales filterless Newports whilst enjoying the audio angst. He goes to Hip Hop venues just to step on white tennis shoes & ask people what they’re looking at, & starts fights with security because he doesn’t have the proper ID. Not only does he support V-Nasty saying the n-word freely, but he encourages other races to use it as often as possible, also. He’ll contest that all the “real” rappers are dead or in jail (which, oddly, is actually about right), & call anybody “new” to the game a “fuck boy” on Twitter all day. Because he’s unemployed.
☐ How To Handle: Stay vigilant! Those dudes have a tendency to cite ‘Juice’ as their favorite movie & Tupac Shakur or 50 Cent as their favorite rapper & actor. Be careful, that’s all I’m saying.
1. The Participator
If you don’t know this guy, you might be him. The Participator has dedicated his life to studying his art, hands-on, & after all his hard work, he finally has music in hand & a plan in his heart. Searching to find the fame he can almost smell, he plays you his songs every time you see him. Every song. Back to back. Loud. When there is a moment of chill time, possibly to partake in a doobie & a snort of warm beer, he kicks freestyle raps to anything with a rhythm. Passing cars with distorted music blaring, video game theme songs, sanitary napkin commercial jingles; if it can be rapped over per se, he’s on it. The Participator is never without something to write on, or about, because “you never know when that feeling may come.” He knows for a fact that this is his calling, & now is his time. Nothing will stand in his way, especially not your advice, opinion, or constructive criticism.
☐ How To Handle: Keep your 2 cents to yourself. He’ll eventually give up if he’s wack, or if he’s truly a genius, he honestly doesn’t need your help. Either way, be patient, though. Because if he’s right, (& you play your part), at the proverbial finish line will be catered food, an abundance of groupie ‘tang, & as much superweed as the mules can carry.
(Editor’s note: This list was compiled under the assumption that you, the awesome reader, are the run-of-the-mill Hip Hop fan. Not too die hard for any particular artist, & not spewing hatefulness indiscriminately, either.)