Fresh off of a stint in the psych ward, & on the heels of what is proving to be the worst tattoo in the history of Black faces, Gucci Mane & (the Robin to his Brrrrr-atman) Waka Flocka Flame, are reportedly shopping their “experience” as a reality show.

Stop me if you’ve heard this one, but it feels like this show might be the defining moment in some young television executive’s career, if it’s picked for production. Someone at Spike TV really should do some sniffing around. I would.

To understand such lunacy means one recognizes that Waka & Gucci are a special type of celebrity. They not only bring enough drama to never, ever need a script, but the drama is so real that I’m positive show insurance policies would have to allow flexibility for the possible demise of it’s star(s). Or, the reoccuring visits to various correctional facilities, which between the 2 stars would undoubtedly happen with unalarming frequency.

Let’s pretend the show does get picked up. BET, don’t act like you don’t hear the phone ringing! Like it or not, here are 5 helpful hints that may assist in it’s inevitable, gut-wrenching success. Because how could it get any worse, am I right?

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#5| Mandatory Closed Caption
It’s a possibly not-so well known fact that (American) Southerners use a very different dialect of the english language than most parts of the country. Some of us with roots down those yonders can decipher enough of what’s said to get the gist, in most instances. However, those of you who’ve never had home-cooked chitterlings or a relative who lives in a camper in the backyard of your grandmother’s house may have no idea what the orator is “orating” about. Closed caption works best in these types of scenarios, obviously. However, what about those 15-20 seconds when one first turns to a station, in attempts to find out what it is they’re not going to watch?

I’ll tell you what; mandatory closed captions, that’s what.

Foreign languages almost always get an automatic skip, no disrespect intended, but I’m more apt to watch something, & if I’m feel righteous enough, anything, if I can at least read what the hell they’re saying. See what I’m saying.

Without a bunch of unnecessary name-calling & whatever, those dudes are very creative with the english language, & over the years, I’ve witnessed how quickly White America will latch on & love something Black, unconditionally, if “it” feels a connection. It all starts with the language barrier.

Ha.

#4| Narrator With British Accent
British accents are awesome. In fact, as a kid, the accents were the #2 reason I watched ‘Benny Hill.’ Boobs, of course, being number 1, but nonetheless. Almost anything sounds calm & relaxed with some British chap giving a play-by-play. Even when it’s primal instinct.

Imagine Waka & Gucci walking down the street, on a gingerly stroll to the local market for something to roll up their superweed in. That’s extremely boring. But, if you get a bloke like Timothy Dalton or Tim Roth to “commentate”, the trip takes on a whole other context.

For added effect, in the same vain as the Slang Dictionary, he could isolate certain words, & give a brief explanation. That’d be awesome.

Think an entire season of ‘National Geopgraphic‘ directed by the Hughes Brothers, or something to that exact effect.

#3| 24-Hour Surveillance
If one’s to have a reality show about, arguably, 2 of the most famous-ly ignorant rappers in the “game” right now, 24 Hour camera surveillance is a must. In all seriousness, I want to know what trill niggas eat for breakfast, & possibly more importantly, what type of hand sanitizer is the realest. I’m curious, if nobody else is. Granted, I’d appreciate a modest amount of editing, because I’d rather not see if either buffoon ass dude has a tattoo on his respective ass (which I do not doubt), but I stand by my point. See, Alan Funt had the whole “reality show” theory correct, light years ago. & if it’s “real” reality, then keep it all-the-way real.

Even if people won’t admit it, that’s what they want. That’s why they watch.

#2| No Southern Rap On The Show. At All. Ever.
The actual reason rap music eventually burns out in popularity, & the momentum shifts to another region, is because when the sound is “hot,” it’s the “in” thing. Meaning, everyone’s either doing it, or trying to. The only exception to the rule per se, would be “gangsta rap.” Although, I’m still not sure if the style of music is what became popular, or the horrible messages in the music, but that’s for another day.

The Southern style or rap is still somewhat dominant, seen by it’s rippling effects on radio stations across America. The last thing any viewer wants to watch (I assume) is Juaquin Malphurs & Radrick Davis eating day-old Chinese food, in a smoked-out hotel room to another God-awful song about Ice & whatever else they mumble about, being chopped & screwed in the background. But, if you play some Wu-Tang, any Wu-Tang, br(eakfast & d)inner becomes a feast for warriors, however synthetic the meat may be. & really though; what’s more gangsta than the gnawing & gnashing of $25,000 teeth, chicken chow mein strewn about heated marble table tops & GZA screaming out you to “protect yo’ neck?”

Not a damn thing.

Take Jay-Z’s ‘Imaginary Player,’ & help me understand why that song never made it into someone’s straight-to-bootleg-man video. That’s a stretch, but surely you smell my cologne.

Not for nothing, & pause me if I’m out of line, but any Mobb Deep song, played to anything those ridiculous looking guys do, in slow motion, would be some Hollywood shit, probably every time. Word to André Benjamin, that cartoon character effect goes along way.

#1| Make The Show As Much Like ‘Survivor’ As Possible
It’s mathematically impossible for me to be the only person who wondered how well the ‘Survivor’ series would fare with a more ethic overtone. If you haven’t seen the show, jump off a cliff, immediately. If you have, however, than you’re aware of the theoretical dangers that lurked at all times, through all seasons & locations. Jungle & forresty things that could potentially kill & whatever. Really no different then the urban jungles my friends & I travel daily, but that’s beside the point. Take that same element, mix in some fun, ghetto-scented surprises, such as guns, drugs, arrest warrants & general coonery, & there’s no doubt that LL Cool J, himself, will be begging for a guest spot in no time. Just saying.

Police chases, narcotics busts, prostitution; all these story line twists & turns are things these guys really go through, just because that’s how thugs get down. I don’t know about you, but that type of blactivity beats poisonous beetles any day of the Christian week.

If it were me, in the position of picking up their alleged “show” & turning it into a cash cow, it would be easy. Pardon my french, but these niggas clearly don’t give a shit about what people think of them. That type of nonchalance is a gift, a talent not usually afforded to regular people. & it leaves them willingly open to some scenarios that productive folks try hard to avoid. Like inviting robbers to shoot them over chains & shit. Now, If that’s not the proverbial makings of a “Superstar,” then I might need to stick to writing rap songs, because clearly I haven’t a clue about anything at all.

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All bullshit aside, we all know that these dudes won’t have to go far to find backing for this project. It’s just a matter of when. The thing is, who cares. I’m not going to watch it, but not out of spite (as good as that would probably feel), but rather because any notable points will assuredly be spilled onto Twitter, regardless. & plus that way, I won’t be watching during the uncomfortable moments, like blurry-screened group sex or fist fights over jewelry.

Brrr?